Monday, February 11, 2013
Friday, September 28, 2007
Martha Stewart For Rednecks
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
* * *
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
* * *
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners are.
* * *
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.
* * *
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
* * *
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
* * *
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
* * *
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Tips for us ladies in year 2007
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt. a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!
********* ********* *
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch....... .
Thursday, July 26, 2007
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that
The entire range of human experience could be found in the Holy Bible.
He confidently stated,
"If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said
"Reverend, I don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman
he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.
During the following week,
he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday , the woman came up to him and asked,
"Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read,
"... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
joshua fit de battle of jerico
Friday, July 20, 2007
CIVILIAN FRIENDS vs COP FRIENDS
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when you are drunk. COP FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you don't get caught.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs COP FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that Â no one is late for the ride home. COP FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. COP FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your p*ssy.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. COP FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone. COP FRIENDS: Will Low Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. COP FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. COP FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. COP FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar. COP FRIENDS: Will man up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come. COP FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. COP FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste..That's alcohol abuse!!!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week. COP FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". COP FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" and then 2 minutes later okay just one more".
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. COP FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!!
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you." COP FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this COP FRIENDS: Will forward this
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
THE FLAG I'll wave to all of you, as you leave
I'll wave to all of you, as you leave
when it's time for you to go.
As you sail from sea to shining sea
take the colors of your home.
Take me with you, wherever you go
keep me in your heart each night.
And if you forget what you're fighting for
remember me, in flight.
Take me out to the battleground,
and then tear me into shreds.
Wrap the bleeding wound with me,
and bind the aching head.
Plunge me into coldest water
to soothe the fevered brow.
Tie me across the shattered limb,
I'll support it now.
Let me dry the homesick tear,
and hold closed, the gaping chest,
for here, in the field, where hope is lost
I am at my best.
And then, burn what is left of me,
for warmth into the night.
So I may bring comfort, where there is need
and courage, for the fight.
My red is deeper, for the blood you've shed.
My white is purer, for your pain.
My blue will be bluer than the deepest sea
when you come home again.
Then I'll rise to the top of the flagpole,
where my colors are always flown,
and from there, when the war is over
I'll wave, to welcome you home.